Day of the Bad Guy Do-Gooders

***Thanks to Bob Wallace for the inspiration!***

Scene: Today; Cat's office. The door bursts open suddenly, and Polly Purecracker dashes in with Dudley DoGood (badge flashing, and fists flailing) close on her heels.

Polly: Help!!! Save me from this maniac!

Dudley: Stop in the name of the law, you vice-infested little bitch!

Cat: (Eyeing female canine and pompous do-good warily) Hold on, you two. What are you doing here, miss, and why did he follow you in here?

Polly: (Frantic) He says I broke the law, and I didn't do anything wrong! I guess I was looking for a place to call the police... (Polly hesitates thoughtfully) but it seems the police are the problem here. Know any respectable criminals I can call for protection from this authoritarian brute?

Dudley: Mobsters?! They specialize in theft, racketeering, and extortion, and terrorize innocent citizens, and you suppose they're going to protect you from decent, civilized lawpersons like me?

Cat: Now, why are you hounding this lass? She looks harmless to me.

Dudley: This 'lass,' as you call her, is a hardened criminal! In the park, she picked a flower on the endangered species list. Further, she polluted the environment by urinating on public property, and evaded arrest when I ran after her.

Polly: You pervert - you _watched_ me? There was no one around - I was very discreet!!!

Dudley: (Smugly) We have surveillance cameras hidden all over the park, miss; we see everything.

Polly: GRRR! How can you be such a priggish voyeurist and sound sanctimonious about it?! What did you say about endangered flowers? I only picked one daisy, for my sweetheart...

Dudley: Daisies are on the endangered list now, because they're likely to go extinct - young maidens like to pick them and pull their petals off, saying "He loves me, he loves me not." It's cruelty to plant life, and a protected species at that!

Polly: When did this happen? I always pick a daisy for my sweetheart when I come here, but I never pull the petals off and I've never been treated like a criminal for it...

Dudley: That regulation passed last week, and we'll have new signs for the park next month.

Polly: Well, how was I supposed to know? I've come here once a week, and picked a daisy each time for the past three summers.

Dudley: (Scribbling furiously) Retroactive fines! That comes to $1,780,223.58... due yesterday, the grace period lasted 5 days after the law went into effect. Do you own any property?

Polly: You're a thief and extortionist!!! I want to speak to a mobster right away.

Dudley: You interrupted me before I got to the most serious charge!  You were drinking a carbonated beverage in the park...  I retrieved the can with your fingerprints on it as evidence, and this candy-bar wrapper.  This is a family park, and I could charge you with contributing to the delinquency of minors if you got within 20 feet of a child with that soda or candy bar!

Polly and Cat, in spontaneous harmony:  HUH?

Dudley: Oh, yes!  The "Leave No Child Happy" bill passed just last week - the new "Daisy Preservation Act" was part of that bill. Not only are candy and soda prohibited in public, so are a whole list of words like "bang" and "gun."  The only people who can say those words now are law enforcement people!  (He triumphantly produces a scroll of prohibited words).

Cat:  You must be joking.  Taking candy from babies, and words straight out of adults' mouths?  How do you plan to enforce these preposterous decrees?

Dudley:  Joking is prohibited now too.  Any mention of jokes will be interpreted as a serious threat to homeland security!!!  Only terrorists question authorities like me.  Good government, you're a domestic terrorist, aren't you?


(The notorious superhero Undergod flies through the window of the office to rescue sweet Polly from the bad guy, DoGood)

Undergod: Just in time! When bad people do good, no one is safe! I must save the day from the evil-doers of good!

Cat: Enough! Look at this mess! You, (to DoGood) get out of here right now or I'll call the mob in myself. [DoGood exits muttering about law and order and vowing to return with a search warrant to comb the place for evidence of mob connections.]

Polly: Sob... That cretin confiscated my daisy, Undergod, and now I can never pick one again.

Cat: Undergod, I'm glad you got here when you did but you'd better replace the window. Please get this poor girl home! I'd better hire a reputable mobster for protection before he comes back.

[Exit, Undergod and Polly]

Cat (to self): Ack! It seems too confusing to differentiate between lawmen and mobsters these days… from now on I think I'll call the ones in uniform "lobsters." Hmm. Why, there doesn't seem to be a listing for 'Mobster' in this phone book… oh, no! Who am I gonna call?

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